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Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
I imagine a world where whining on Facebook is illegal.
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.