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Definition: Brain - Your body`s hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.
Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.