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Vodka is just amazing water.
*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it`s Wednesday.
Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
feels like getting some work done ... so I am sitting down until the feeling passes.
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut