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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
I’m convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 2%
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?