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I just saw someone by themselves not looking at a phone. Hope they`re ok.
To the guys complaining about lack of sex from their woman: supply & demand. Supply better product, they`ll demand it more. -Bfanch
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.