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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
Monday comes saturday ends and somewhere in between i realized i slept the weekend away....):
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.