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Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
We should be nicer to old people. When they walked uphill both ways in the snow they had to do it without an internet connection too.