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Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.