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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe
Stay Calm, take a breath, and reload.