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It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
wants to rock and roll all night
facebook is the only book we read everyday.
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.