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If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.