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Sadly, the opposite sex is ignoring me like a check engine light.
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
Just another day of not being rich and famous.