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There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.
New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.