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When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.