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Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Panick, chaos, anarchy... my work here is done.
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.