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People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
Social networking sites is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.