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Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
I used to like my neighbors until they changed the password to their wi-fi :)
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.