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I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
What does lolz mean...Laugh out loud zebras?
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news` annual turkey fryer accident story?
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.