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I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.