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Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
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I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.