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Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
I`m saving all my good posts for when I can think of some.
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.