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I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
I need u to do me a favor... Stand in front of my car please... I need to test my brakes :)
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!