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If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
Your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.