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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
life is short play naked
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.