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People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
Any time someone says "have you seen that YouTube video?" I always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Gun Control: Use both hands
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
I need u to do me a favor... Stand in front of my car please... I need to test my brakes :)
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.
I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I know how much she will cost me.
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.