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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
Little to no thought was put into this status.
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.