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Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
i like boobs
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.