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One of the most important things in life is perserverance. Hang on...perseveren...no, perserveer...pesever… oh, never mind.....
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
I get as much action as a white crayon.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time