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Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
I was born at a very early age.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.