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Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they`re smart, confident, and aware they don`t need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
Is it rude to put *vomits* under someone`s post ?
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.