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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
everyone has that one crazy person in there family...but in my case everyone is just as crazy as i am!XD
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers