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My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
You know you`re desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.