Daily Silly Status

My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.

I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast

You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.

My cardio is shopping.

If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.

Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.

Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!

I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.

At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison

I would like my FB friends to know that the opinions and comments I make on FB in no way reflect the actual thoughts, opinions or actions of me, or my family. Its all for fun. The only posts that I actually mean are the same ones you agree with.

I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"

I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!

I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.

Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.