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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
Don`t forget: it`s very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.