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I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.
I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.