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I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
Ha = I didn`t find that funny. Haha = That was funny. Hahahahaha = I want to sleep with you.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
eHarmony should be more like Amazon “customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03?.
I laugh in the face of normal.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook