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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
Apparently taking a nap does not qualify as "doing some undercover work"
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.