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I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
That awkward moment when you go for a run and your boobs start to bounce up and down.......and you`re a guy.
With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"