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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking!
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
is giving everyone permission to steal, and use this status.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"