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Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.