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79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
"User Friendly" is just another way of saying stupid.......