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I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.