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My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
You`re single? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. Yea me too.
Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.