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I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn`t even eat them.
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
my husband of 10 years still goes mad when I use his toothbrush, if anyone knows a better way to get dog poo off shoes, im all ears