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My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
I wonder what my dog has named me?
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I`m doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.