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I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!
I`ve finally stopped drinking for good ... And I`ve started drinking for evil.