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I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?