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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."