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My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Sometimes I let the words in my mind come out of my mouth. And it feels awesome! B)
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
Holidays are a lot of fun until you realize you`ve been dating the ugly sister
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.