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The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
According to my current parking spot, I`m Chief of Police.
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.