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Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
I think I’m allergic to mornings.
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
I don`t have a police record ... but I think I do have a Sting cd around here somewhere.
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!