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Screw it, Iām starting Friday now.
I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
Tony Soprano dead....Whitey Bulger on trial...coincidence??? I think not!
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.