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Trust me, you want me medicated!!
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
Life is tough. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like the rest of us.
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
Im switching some friends from my Facebook account to my Fakebook account.
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.