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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?
if sexyness, kindness, sweetness was a crime, You would be the world`s most wanted