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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt