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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
The part of "no" that I don´t understand is the part where I don´t get what I want
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
You had me at 0 mutual friends