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I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
wants my 260 FB friends to know I love you all..except #193
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.