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I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
If life Sucks, what makes you think death doesn`t Blow??
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
llllllloooollllll...........................i saw a donkey on a bike
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I`m going to become a hermit as soon as I find a cave with a decent wifi connection.
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook