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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
Was going to watch the presidential inauguration today, but found something more interesting on a different channel. Watched "How cow farts affect the ozone layer" on The Science channel.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...