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If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
Life is hard, it`s even harder when your stupid.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.