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People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....
It’s not pretty being easy.