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Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
New marital Status update : Taken, but only for GRANTED
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?