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My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I`m not a shopaholic.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
some mornings i wish i could sneak up behind my alarm clock and say, "HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!"
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-ass".
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking