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I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
thinks we should all jump out of our chairs and do the 5 second happy dance! READY! GO!
Remember, time is more powerful than You!!! One tree makes a million matchsticks......But when the time comes........Only 1 match stick is needed to burn a million trees......
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
My anger management class pisses me off