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One trenta cheeseburger please.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
IM LOST! I`ve gone to look for my self. If u see me, tell me to wait here till I get back.
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
is having some serious PMS: Parked Motorcycle Syndrome!
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”