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It`s been few days since I heard from the voices in my head, I think it`s the calm before the storm. Some big sh!t is gonna go down!!
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
it`s friday o clock
Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.