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I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch folks do it for hours.
It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
The Hobbit 2: we`ve still got a long way to walk
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.