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I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
´s status message is better than yours
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.