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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
There’s nothing better than when someone you know walks by without recognizing you.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
My problem is that all food is comfort food
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.