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Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
Trust me, I am a liar.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.