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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
How many V and M can see
NNNNNMNNNNNNNVVWWWWVWWWWW
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
Yeah I`m married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT`S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"