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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
They say love is more important than money. I`d like to see them go and try to pay their bills with a hug.
thinks there are times when your the most beautiful girl in the world, and there are times when I’m sober.
What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."