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You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
So far,,, I`ve spent 300% of this week exaggerating.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
Got a new Juicer. Going to Juice all these delicious organic vegetables I got ... then add Vodka ... Don`t judge...
I want to sleep tighter
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.