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Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
Detroit and Chicago seem to be getting it right as of late. Limit all politicians to two terms. One in elected Office and one in prison.
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
I make a great second impression.
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.