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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.