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Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
I was a huge tomboy. Like, I had barbies, but only because my ninja turtles needed bitches.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
It`s no fun if you have permission.
Bad decisions make good stories.