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I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
My inner child is a drunken whore
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
Whatever Mom, IF THAT`S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.