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I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
When you upload photos to Fb, i`d appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends ... It makes stalking them MUCH easier, thank you!
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
is a mystery you´ll never solve
My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude