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Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
I wonder what my dog has named me?
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Living alone is pretty cool, I don`t even know if my bathroom door closes