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You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your a$$.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?