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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
Relax,,, We`re all crazy.. It`s not a competition.
If you ever need anything please don`t hesitate to ask someone else first.
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
Well, I`ve officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.