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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.