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The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!