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Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Do gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.