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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
Gonna start a new job tomorow at a archaelogical site, I know I`m gonna dig it.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.