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I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
If ANY of my posts have made even one person’s day better, then there’s something seriously wrong with that person
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.