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A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
he who laughs last thinks slow
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?