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i joined new gym yesterday. i did 3 sets of selfies on each machine
Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things