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They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
I flunked anger management class.
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
Was going to watch the presidential inauguration today, but found something more interesting on a different channel. Watched "How cow farts affect the ozone layer" on The Science channel.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business