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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
I wish the buck stopped here…I could use a few.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"