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I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.