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I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.