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I wish more people were fluent in silence.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
Go ahead caller 9!!
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
I don`t have a police record ... but I think I do have a Sting cd around here somewhere.
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.