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Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.