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RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn`t know you...
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
I have been delaying my computer updates an hour for the past 3 years.
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
Good news I passed my drug test today. But now my drug dealer has some explaining to do.
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver