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Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
We should do this “3-day weekend” thing more often.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.