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The difference between “like” “love” and “in love” is the same as the difference between “for now” “for a while” and “forever”
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
Ah Friday...my second favorite "F" word!
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.
I was just told that I over-analyze things. I need a couple of days to think about that before deciding if I should be offended.