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I`m like the stink in your feet.....I will always be with you.
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
If by “clubbing” you mean eating club sandwiches then yeah I’m pretty into the club scene.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.